Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
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