textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
And then he peed in my hair
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