Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
