i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
