We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Randomize
