We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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