At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
