I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
