Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
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