She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Tornado booty call.. dedication
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize