Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
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