Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
