who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Randomize