You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Randomize
