If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
