The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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