did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Randomize
