where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
