well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
The beer is more important than you right now.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
