How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
