I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
