Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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