Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
