i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Randomize
