Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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