remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Randomize
