Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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