the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize