I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
