I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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