You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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