What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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