The maid of honor just puked.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize