Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
