He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
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