Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Randomize
