I faked an abortion last night.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
Positive reviews on angieslist?
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