i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
