Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize