just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
