I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
