dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Im part way to drunk.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
