he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
