he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
You're a waste of cheezeits
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
