I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
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