lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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