If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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