Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
then he tried to convert me to islam
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize