I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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