Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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