In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
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