i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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