i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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