he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
